Its not entirely true what I said yesterday about not needing a shot of Americana. Its almost worse just when I've come back to France. I miss home- the food, the tv, the driving, the countryside, the air, the sky, the supermarkets, friendly strangers. I miss seeing my family, I miss having dinner with a table full of people, I miss going to church when the church is full of entire families and not just old people hedging their bets before the Big Guy comes knocking. I miss seeing Ella play with her cousins. I miss feeling like I can do whatever I feel like doing.
I don't hating living in France. I know that I have a really nice quality life by anyone's standards. But I don't like when I have just arrived back and I am still in that stage where I am making comparisons. Paris just doesn't suit me. I make the best of it, and I know that there are things that I love that I can't do anywhere else so I try to take advantage but still. I feel more and more that this is a vacation that has dragged on just a bit too long.
The worst part is that I really don't know if I could live full time back in the States anymore. I'm afraid that I may have idealized things to such a point that I've ruined it for myself. How awful to feel like you don't fit in anywhere. I'm not French, never will be, hope never to be. But I haven't lived fulltime in WI since I was 16. Feeling like a stranger there might be worse than living here and having a bit of a manque every day.
I would love to just be able to leave here and give it a shot. Find a job near home, find a house, get a car, get a routine and just see what happens.