Nerves are getting to me

I am generally immune to nerves- I don't get nervous about anything. I just figure that I will prepare myself and do my best and whatever happens after that was meant to be. But right now, I am a ball of nerves. I am really really worried about this interview because I want it so much, and I know that the fact that I don't write very well in French could knock me out of the competition before it even gets started.

The worst part is that I had decided that I would take advanced French classes, starting in September, because any job I would want to have at this point would be one where I would have to have a really good handle on the written language. If you are just some office gopher, it doesn't matter so much, but I couldn't get by on my "street" French any more. I told B my plan and said that I wanted to start looking around at programs, although I thought it best to do the Sorbonne course. He immediately said, "No no no. What a waste of money! You can do it at Berlitz and my office can pay for it because... (very long complicated explanation that somehow involves cheating the tax man or something. Sorry, I didn't really pay attention. Suffice it to say, its the sneaky sort of thing only a Frenchman would think worth the effort.) So I agree to let him sort out the inscription and I wait. Except a few weeks go by and he doesn't say anything. For various reasons, he put me off every time I mention it and voila! I get an interview for my dream job, which appears to require me to spend my days writing reports in French and who has still not started French class? Why, me! And suddenly B has changed his tune and said that it wasn't him putting off the classes, all I had to do was make an appointment at the school. He looked at me blankly when I repeated back to him all the excuses he had made over the past 3 months, as if he hadn't the slightest idea what I was talking about.

Arg. Its not his fault. I should have just signed up for classes after a week went by with no news from him. If I really thought it was important, I wouldn't have let all this time pass while I did nothing. Its just so frustrating to think that no matter what I do tomorrow, this job is probably going to slip through my fingers. Even if they don't notice that my level of French is not up to par, I know that it would be pretty impossible for me to bluff my way through my trial period, if I did manage to get hired. Being fired would be humiliating, which is probably a bit worse than just being a bit frustrated.

Oh, well. Nothing I can do about it now. I'll just go to bed tonight, clinging to the hope that their office produces their reports in English.

Anyways, I didn't spend all day crying about my appalling French. I also listened to the Mika CD and danced in front of the mirror, pretending that I was trying to make Ella laugh but really it was just because I liked the music so much. (I'll admit it, sometimes I like have a little kid around because you can excuse any dorky behaviour by saying it was a joke to make the baby laugh.) Ok- I know that this isn't a brand new release and I think I might have already heard every song on the CD, but I loved it! Its such fun fun music. I even took a break from my studying to install I-Tunes on the new computer so that I could have the music on my ipod. Which didn't actually work. I had to go and wrestle with my broken laptap to get it uploaded, but hey. I think that we have firmly established my total lack of techie skills.

AND I had one super good piece of news today- B's stepmom is picking up Ella on Thursday morning to take her to the country. We don't leave for Brazil til Friday night so that means I get a bonus day and a half at home with no baby. I am almost more thrilled about that than I am about the Brazil holiday. I have soooo many things to get done and now I finally have a fighting chance at getting through my list. Plus, we get to have a wild Thursday night out and we don't even have to get a babysitter!! Even crazier, I might be able to meet a friend for lunch. For me, that is like the Holy Grail- 2 hours in the middle of the day to eat a relaxing meal, without having to drag anyone out from under the table or dash home before the bill even arrives or just sitting down at the table and realizing that someone drew a giant 'E' on my trouser leg with pink marker.

Right now, I am trying to decide between having another glass of red wine and doing some more serious interview prep. On the one hand, I need to go through a few more things for tomorrow. Like what am I going to wear?!!! On the other hand, the bottle of wine is a 2007 Beaujolais which is lovely, if you haven't tried it yet. (Rasberries. Very fruity and drinkable.) And we bought Season 1 of Heros this weekend, which has turned out to be a lot more fun to watch than I thought it would be. Hmmm. Tough one.